Drafting Your Team
Yesterday I made my first post announcing and explaining my recent diagnosis of depression and anxiety. It was a long post but thank you to everyone who took the time to read it and to reach out. All of the messages and well wishes meant the world to me!! Even though I rambled quite a bit in my last post, I wanted to continue from where I left off.
I briefly mentioned what I did after I found out but I think it is important to elaborate. Once my appointment was over, I felt a mix of emotions. I felt relieved, scared, confused. I went to my car, cried for a few moments, took a deep breath and went home. I knew what was coming next. I had to tell people.
The psychologist I talked to gave me some great advice. She told me that I needed to tell those who are important to me so that I could develop a network of support. She recommended that when I was ready, I should reach out to a friend who I was 100% positive would be understanding and a good support for me and even find out if we could have a standing "date" so that I could get out of the apartment. She even had me think for a few moments about who I would talk to. I couldn't think of anyone in the city. That was a difficult moment. As I thought about it longer, I did come up with a few people that I would want to tell. But I knew that the people I needed to tell first were Mike, my parents, and a couple of close friends who I talk to on a regular basis. I needed to draft my team.
Telling everyone was so much more difficult than I thought it was going to be. Like I said in my previous post, it was very important to me for people to know that it was NOT their fault and that no one made me feel this way. It is the way that I process information and perceive things that are going on around me. The psychologist (let's call her A instead of "the psychologist") told me not to worry that I was going to concern others by telling them because chances are, they were already concerned.
I feel that over the last little while, I got really really good at hiding how I was feeling and pretending that I was okay. I think that was what made this so difficult. I figured it was going to shock people and I didn't want people to treat me any differently. I spend a lot of my time telling my students and other people that it is okay to talk about mental health and it is okay to talk about how you're feeling or if you're not feeling "right" yet I never did that myself. I felt like a hypocrite. Going to seek professional help was only the first step. A good first step, but there were so many steps after that. Telling Mike was very very difficult. There were a lot of tears but knowing that I had his support made everything so much easier. I'm not sure I thanked him enough for that. Next, I needed to tell my mom and dad.
I was very nervous to tell my mom and I'm not really sure why. I wanted to tell my mom in person but I wasn't going to see her until the following day. The waiting and playing it in my head made me very anxious. I drove to Brandon and walked into my mom's house. As I was trying to fend off the two dogs that aggressively welcomed me, I said "hi" to my mom and I could tell by the tone of her voice and the look on her face that she was looking at me trying to figure out what was wrong. We sat in her living room for a while having some chips and dip as she and my stepdad were discussing whether or not to take the dogs for a walk to DQ. She asked if I wanted to go and I declined. Right then, I sent her a text saying "I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to go for ice cream just you and me. There's something I want to talk to you about". It was only a few minutes later that she told my stepdad that we were going to drive to DQ and we'd be back soon. We got into the car and she said "so, what's up". I immediately said "for starters, no I'm NOT pregnant". I knew that was going to be her first thought. As I began to talk, my voice got weak and crackly. We made the very short trip to DQ and ended up sitting in the parking lot talking for what seemed like an hour (it probably was) before we went up to get the one box of Buster Bars that we went to get. To make the long and very personal conversation short, she was very supportive, gave some good advice, and assured me that she will do what she can to be there for me. She's even started forwarding positive thoughts that her boss sends all of the employees at her work every morning. One parent down, another to go.
When I got home and had some time to eat that delicious ice cream, I needed to call my dad and stepmom. We had a conversation much like the one I had with my mom, starting with the "no, I'm not pregnant" introduction. This one felt easier. I'm still unsure whether it was easier because things just get easier to say after you say them over and over again, or if it was easier because I know that we have had a similar conversation before. Once again, they were all very supportive and gave advice and previous concerns they had about me. Parents done, onto the friends.
I had a short list of friends that I really wanted and felt I needed to tell. Most of these conversations happened over text messages. A couple of them I wanted to do in person however, I wasn't making a trip to Brandon for at least a few weeks and I knew I couldn't, and didn't want to wait that long. These conversations were easy. I was able to take my time to really think about what I was going to say and was able to reread the heartfelt messages that I received in return.
Besides my apartment, the place I spend most of my time is at work. I walked into the school on Monday and felt very anxious. My heart was pounding and I got a little shaky. No one in that building new what I knew about myself. I have had tremendous support from my colleagues since the beginning of the year, but in that moment, I felt alone. I knew that I needed to talk to someone, just to have one person in that building who knew how I was feeling. I had a few people I could talk to but at the time, I didn't know how to express this to everyone. I chose one person at first. This person was co-organizing the staff Mental Health committee in my school and has always expressed a passion for positive mental health. I was very thankful that it happened to be her day at the school. I talked to her quickly for a few minutes at recess and she suggested having lunch together on at least one of her days at the school during the week. We had lunch the next day. All I hope is that the colleagues I didn't open up to but have lunch with nearly every day aren't offended or upset that I didn't open up to them as well. It is not at all that I didn't want to or felt that I couldn't. I was still just processing my "news" and trying to figure out where to go from there.
There I go rambling again. Another long post that I didn't necessarily intend. With all of this being said, the purpose of this post is to explain that telling people doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be concerning. I know first hand that it is easier said than done, but once you get it off your chest to those who matter most, it is such a relief and feels like a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders. I didn't have one person tell me that it was too much for them to deal with or that they weren't willing to be supportive to me. When you open up you also discover many others who are dealing with the same things you are but had absolutely no idea. You need to build your team and network of support. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets. Again, if my story helps just one person to open up, this will all be worth it. If you are reading this and feel that you need to open up to someone, please know that I am here for you. If you're reading this, you know how to get a hold of me. You are not alone!!
I briefly mentioned what I did after I found out but I think it is important to elaborate. Once my appointment was over, I felt a mix of emotions. I felt relieved, scared, confused. I went to my car, cried for a few moments, took a deep breath and went home. I knew what was coming next. I had to tell people.
The psychologist I talked to gave me some great advice. She told me that I needed to tell those who are important to me so that I could develop a network of support. She recommended that when I was ready, I should reach out to a friend who I was 100% positive would be understanding and a good support for me and even find out if we could have a standing "date" so that I could get out of the apartment. She even had me think for a few moments about who I would talk to. I couldn't think of anyone in the city. That was a difficult moment. As I thought about it longer, I did come up with a few people that I would want to tell. But I knew that the people I needed to tell first were Mike, my parents, and a couple of close friends who I talk to on a regular basis. I needed to draft my team.
Telling everyone was so much more difficult than I thought it was going to be. Like I said in my previous post, it was very important to me for people to know that it was NOT their fault and that no one made me feel this way. It is the way that I process information and perceive things that are going on around me. The psychologist (let's call her A instead of "the psychologist") told me not to worry that I was going to concern others by telling them because chances are, they were already concerned.
I feel that over the last little while, I got really really good at hiding how I was feeling and pretending that I was okay. I think that was what made this so difficult. I figured it was going to shock people and I didn't want people to treat me any differently. I spend a lot of my time telling my students and other people that it is okay to talk about mental health and it is okay to talk about how you're feeling or if you're not feeling "right" yet I never did that myself. I felt like a hypocrite. Going to seek professional help was only the first step. A good first step, but there were so many steps after that. Telling Mike was very very difficult. There were a lot of tears but knowing that I had his support made everything so much easier. I'm not sure I thanked him enough for that. Next, I needed to tell my mom and dad.
I was very nervous to tell my mom and I'm not really sure why. I wanted to tell my mom in person but I wasn't going to see her until the following day. The waiting and playing it in my head made me very anxious. I drove to Brandon and walked into my mom's house. As I was trying to fend off the two dogs that aggressively welcomed me, I said "hi" to my mom and I could tell by the tone of her voice and the look on her face that she was looking at me trying to figure out what was wrong. We sat in her living room for a while having some chips and dip as she and my stepdad were discussing whether or not to take the dogs for a walk to DQ. She asked if I wanted to go and I declined. Right then, I sent her a text saying "I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to go for ice cream just you and me. There's something I want to talk to you about". It was only a few minutes later that she told my stepdad that we were going to drive to DQ and we'd be back soon. We got into the car and she said "so, what's up". I immediately said "for starters, no I'm NOT pregnant". I knew that was going to be her first thought. As I began to talk, my voice got weak and crackly. We made the very short trip to DQ and ended up sitting in the parking lot talking for what seemed like an hour (it probably was) before we went up to get the one box of Buster Bars that we went to get. To make the long and very personal conversation short, she was very supportive, gave some good advice, and assured me that she will do what she can to be there for me. She's even started forwarding positive thoughts that her boss sends all of the employees at her work every morning. One parent down, another to go.
When I got home and had some time to eat that delicious ice cream, I needed to call my dad and stepmom. We had a conversation much like the one I had with my mom, starting with the "no, I'm not pregnant" introduction. This one felt easier. I'm still unsure whether it was easier because things just get easier to say after you say them over and over again, or if it was easier because I know that we have had a similar conversation before. Once again, they were all very supportive and gave advice and previous concerns they had about me. Parents done, onto the friends.
I had a short list of friends that I really wanted and felt I needed to tell. Most of these conversations happened over text messages. A couple of them I wanted to do in person however, I wasn't making a trip to Brandon for at least a few weeks and I knew I couldn't, and didn't want to wait that long. These conversations were easy. I was able to take my time to really think about what I was going to say and was able to reread the heartfelt messages that I received in return.
Besides my apartment, the place I spend most of my time is at work. I walked into the school on Monday and felt very anxious. My heart was pounding and I got a little shaky. No one in that building new what I knew about myself. I have had tremendous support from my colleagues since the beginning of the year, but in that moment, I felt alone. I knew that I needed to talk to someone, just to have one person in that building who knew how I was feeling. I had a few people I could talk to but at the time, I didn't know how to express this to everyone. I chose one person at first. This person was co-organizing the staff Mental Health committee in my school and has always expressed a passion for positive mental health. I was very thankful that it happened to be her day at the school. I talked to her quickly for a few minutes at recess and she suggested having lunch together on at least one of her days at the school during the week. We had lunch the next day. All I hope is that the colleagues I didn't open up to but have lunch with nearly every day aren't offended or upset that I didn't open up to them as well. It is not at all that I didn't want to or felt that I couldn't. I was still just processing my "news" and trying to figure out where to go from there.
There I go rambling again. Another long post that I didn't necessarily intend. With all of this being said, the purpose of this post is to explain that telling people doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be concerning. I know first hand that it is easier said than done, but once you get it off your chest to those who matter most, it is such a relief and feels like a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders. I didn't have one person tell me that it was too much for them to deal with or that they weren't willing to be supportive to me. When you open up you also discover many others who are dealing with the same things you are but had absolutely no idea. You need to build your team and network of support. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets. Again, if my story helps just one person to open up, this will all be worth it. If you are reading this and feel that you need to open up to someone, please know that I am here for you. If you're reading this, you know how to get a hold of me. You are not alone!!
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