Changeup

In my last two posts I talked about identifying my struggles and then communicating and discussing those to the people who matter most in my life. It is one thing to talk to others about it and something completely different to face it head on with yourself. I probably should have taken the time to "discuss" everything with myself first to properly process everything but I honestly find it easier to face others than to face myself. So that was my next step. Self reflect and figure out where to go from here.

There were a few things I knew I needed to change if I was going to take control of my life:

• Diet and Exercise
• Alcohol intake
• Outlook
• Interests
• Time
• Environment

When I'd come home after a seemingly long or trying day at work, the last thing I want to do is go to the grocery store or cook anything. Enter Skip The Dishes!! I got really used to scrolling through the long list of restaurants to find something interesting, new, or familiar that sounded even a little appetizing. Through this, I found a dangerous love for butter chicken and trying different pizza places. It got to the point of not being to remember the last time I actually cooked something for myself for dinner. I very regularly skip breakfast as I'm way too lazy to get up and get something at a reasonable time. By the time I get the motivation to roll out of bed and get ready for work, it is "too late" to make and eat something, as well as make and eat something for lunch. So I got into the habit of skipping lunch too. I'd be lucky to find something to quickly grab as a snack while I'm at work just to realize I'm on recess duty without a prep slot and wouldn't have the opportunity to eat anything until after school anyway. At that point I would say "I'm having dinner soon anyway so I shouldn't have this snack". Then 8:00pm would come around and I still hadn't eaten anything. But my butter chicken or pizza was on it's way.. I was eating ridiculous food and living a very sedentary lifestyle. I knew I needed to change this. I think explaining my process for this would make this post extremely long so I think I'll save that for another time.

I found that over the last year or so I started drinking more than I used to. I think it stemmed out of my discovery of craft beer, good pub specials, and refreshing patio drinks like ciders, margaritas and mojitos. I don't think I would ever label myself as an alcoholic but I knew I had cracked a cold one more often than I used to. When I went to see A (my psychologist) she asked me how much I drank. I was honest with her and said that I would have about 12/week and that it was very easy to use a bad day at work as an excuse to have one. She reminded me that alcohol is a depressant and recommended that I cut it out all together. Which is actually kind of "funny" because I told myself before my appointment that when I was done, I was going to head over to The Pint for a happy hour beer. (I changed my mind and didn't end up going after). Alcohol as a depressant wasn't something that ever crossed my mind. Sure, I knew it was, but I never thought about it. Until I was open and honest with people about my depression and anxiety, I was turning down drinks (which I don't usually do) and many people (including my mother as I previously talked about) questioned whether or not I was pregnant. For the record I AM STILL NOT PREGNANT! It has been easy for me to cut out alcohol and I have even been exploring some non-alcoholic options when I go out. Last weekend, I had my server at a restaurant fashion me a non-alcoholic mojito and it was to die for! I've found that I can go out and still enjoy myself even if I'm not having a giant beer. That is a good feeling. I know it hasn't been long but I've now gone 15 days without an alcoholic beverage. 

I had a very bleak outlook on life, myself, and what was going on around me. I was completely consumed by negative self-talk and worry. I still have days like that but I do think they are becoming fewer and fewer. I looked at everything around me as being negative, working against me, and feeling worthless. To be blunt with myself, I was making everything about me. Why am I not good enough? Suddenly I don't matter. When will I get what I want? I was letting this all-consuming negativity cloud my judgement and what I really knew to be true and it was hurting those around me. I wasn't allowing myself to be happy for others or to be happy for what I do have. I took a good looooong look in the mirror, quite literally, and told myself that certain things are A) not about you B) not going to change things to the point of no return C) only going to worsen if you don't control the way you react. I had become very selfish and I didn't like that. I, more or less, began to hate myself. I was focusing on my past experiences and lost friendships to hurt myself internally. So, what did I do? I changed my negative I's into positive ones and controlled how I react to situations. For example, I started telling myself: "I am a good friend to those who are important to me", "I am capable of becoming the person I want to", "I can achieve the goals I set for myself", "I am a good teacher and things will work out for me". I have very much changed the way I look at things and the way I think about myself. I'll save some of my resources for a later post.

I had always found things that I enjoyed doing during my spare time, but I got to the point of not having an interest in doing any of those things. I have 3 crochet projects on the go that I still haven't picked up in months (I really need to do that), I have a few partially finished books that I haven't picked up, I have many partially completed adult colouring pages I stopped working on. I just lost interest. Regaining my love for these things is still something I'm struggling to do. In the meantime, I decided that I wanted to try new things that might interest me. I started running again and signing up for 10k races, I went to the Thunder Rapid batting cages, I participated in sports pools and fantasy leagues, I did an escape room. I found that exploring new things was something that really helped me. It gave me something to focus on and gave me something to look forward to. In the process, I found new things that I enjoyed doing. That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my other interests but it sure does keep things interesting! 

Time was a huge factor in how I was feeling. I felt that I was always just wasting time or just killing time to get by. I was spending long nights at the school (sometimes until 10:00pm) and spending too much time sitting on the couch scrolling through Facebook. I'd spend my weekends not doing much at all and then feeling sorry for myself Sunday nights when I didn't use my weekend to do anything worthwhile. One thing I changed was when I went home after work. I stopped staying so late and began managing my time at the school more effectively so I wouldn't have to be there until 10:00. I started giving myself a time limit. "Ok, you have some stuff to do, but you're leaving by 5 today". In addition to leaving earlier, I stopped bringing my work home. I know it's easier said than done, especially for a first year teacher, but bringing it home was having very negative effects on my mental health. One cannot work and then go home just to work some more. My weekends now consist of doing things I like and want to do and spending time outside now that summer is finally here. I spent the last three summers working at a summer day camp and I've even decided not to go back this year so that I can have a break doing things I always say I'm going to do during the summer but never do. This brings me to the other part of my life that I decided to focus change on. Environment.

When I talk about environment, I don't just mean my immediate surroundings but also the people I choose to let into my immediate environment. The three aspects I chose to focus on are my work environment, my home environment, and my virtual environment. I started making some really great connections with very positive people at work. I feel very fortunate to be able to work in a school where the staff are very supportive and inviting. I have a very good support system in place that include people who lift me up, listen to me, provide advice and are interested in what I have to say. It is quite amazing. At home, I have been focusing my attention on the people that have really been lacking it. I've been making plans with people I should have made plans with long ago, making plans for evenings and weekends, and even making more phone calls. I think I mentioned before that A advised me to make plans and go out as much as possible even though it might be difficult to. I must say, it really has helped. I have some pretty amazing family and friends that I feel closer to now than ever. The next was my virtual environment. What I mean by that is my technological and cyber environment. This includes, but is not limited to, Facebook. I previously talked about my struggles with Facebook groups and people I had never met. I stopped giving people second chances. I got to the point of removing people from my friends list the second I felt they were, or could, affect me in a negative way. It could have been a very simple comment intended to be directed towards me negatively or something I've seen people say about me. I told myself that those kind of people were not currently welcome in my mind. Did I overreact at times? Possibly and at times definitely. Was it okay that I removed people who potentially threatened my self worth or happiness? Absolutely. Do people call me sensitive, a drama queen, or even a pussy? (Pardon the language). Yes they have. Do I care? I certainly do not. I will say however, that there are a few people I have unfriended that I feel I should have remained in contact with and to them, I am sorry. At the time, I felt it was what I needed to do for myself. Leaving groups and unfriending people seems like such a small thing and seems like a "high school" or "first world problem" type of thing, and to a point it is, but I found that it really really helped how I felt. Again, I did what I needed to do for me. 

Alright, this has been a long enough post for today. After all of this, what I really wanted to say was that it is okay to make changes in order to help yourself. That shift from negative to positive plays such a huge role in how you live day to day. If you want to make a change, there is only so much that others can do for you. You need to also help yourself. The first thing you need to do is to acknowledge where you need to make changes and really commit to those changes. It is okay to be selfish at times (in a positive way) and it is okay to help yourself. After all, it is YOU that is in charge of your life.