A Shootout Loss
As I sit here trying to come up with a clever title for my first post, I'm beginning to lose sight of why I decided to do this in the first place. Possibly because the reason I took the leap to actually do this is a difficult subject for me. It's me Brittany! Since I know that many people won't continue reading this to the end, yet there a lot of people I want to inform but have such little time, I'll state the reason I wanted to do this now. Here it goes.. as of May 26th, 2017 (one week ago today), I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. And breathe.
To start off, no I do not think that just because I put "fit" in my blog name I am suddenly some fitness expert or guru. I never actually thought I'd be one of those people who puts "fit" beside her name in any context. It is honestly just a play on words. fitBritt. Like fitbit. Get it? While I do not by any means consider myself an expert, I feel that I am on a journey for a healthier life and to keep myself accountable, why not make it public? A very close and good friend of mine started his own blog recently and I expressed how I wanted to start my own a while back (I actually did but then didn't keep up with it) but if I did it now, it would be like I was copying him. He told me not to worry about it and just because I haven't made amazing progress like he has (150+ pound loss, wow!) doesn't mean that I don't have things to say. So here I am. Expressing myself whether people read it or not. I intend to journal my progress, my ups, my downs, recipes, tips, tricks, and just overall experiences. I already have a few ideas brewing in this scary thing of a brain of mine.
Back to why I did this. For what seems like a very long time now, I've been feeling very off and not feeling like myself. I am living in Winnipeg away from all of my close personal friends and family, with stresses of finding jobs (and now whether or not I will have one next year), financial concerns, and having self esteem issues. When we think of self esteem issues, we generally think of high school problems. Growing up in a time where our bodies are changing, we're discovering who we are and where we belong in the world. What people don't tell you is that those feelings can stay with you into adulthood. As I think about the things that bother me and see it written down, it seems so minor, unimportant and ridiculous. However, this is how I regularly feel about myself. One of the major struggles I've had to deal with is loneliness. I am not lonely in an "I don't have anyone" sense, because I do have people who care about me and I know that. I've lived in Winnipeg for about 5 years now and outside of my boyfriend, I don't have any close friends that I hang out with. That's where the good ol' internet came in handy. I had joined quite a few sports related groups on Facebook and met quite a few people on there. Those were the people I talked to the most. I met some very wonderful people who I do still consider great friends, and some not so great people who threatened my mental well being. I ended up realizing that this wasn't something that was good for me and I ended up leaving those groups to focus on myself but still kept in contact with some of those people who helped me along the way. I was in a very fragile state of "why don't they like me?", "they don't need or like me anymore", "what's wrong with me?". See what I mean? High school crap. It wasn't so much about what was happening at the time. It was more about how I saw myself as events unfolded. They don't like me anymore because I'm not worth liking. I'm not worth the effort to remain friends with. Through everything that happened, I was constantly being told that I'm just looking for attention. So I didn't do anything more about it. I talked to many friends who made me realize many things and I felt like I was getting better.
Anyway, that was one of my lowest points. Last August, when I was working at the zoo, things started to unravel again and I had a complete anxiety attack, I just didn't know it at the time. I broke down, couldn't breathe and was sent home from work. That was the moment I SHOULD have gone to get help. Being stubborn Brittany, I didn't.
Fast forward to now. Stress from work, applying for jobs, changes in personal relationships, family concerns and general small disappointments started catching up to me. For a while now I've been feeling very easily irritated and agitated. I very rarely enjoy doing anything besides sitting on my couch and watching TV, laying in bed, or completely checking out and scrolling through repetitive Facebook posts. I feel tired all the time even if I get a good sleep. I was feeling that nothing quite works out for me and that everything around me was falling apart. Little tiny things were bothering me. I had a breakdown because I didn't get to go to IKEA with family. Can you believe that?! A super minor disappointment set me off. Of course it wasn't just because I couldn't go to IKEA (I'm not 2), but everything else that was going on at the time too. I was looking forward to that trip and it was taken from me. That's when I knew I needed to do something. I was in a moment where I felt like I was in a one-on-one shootout with the game on the line. Every time I felt good, it seemed there was one more thing to bring me down whether internally or externally. Like a hockey team fighting to win the game, I felt like I was just hanging on, just long enough to get to the last possible chance of a win, then in an instant, it was over. I had lost. Like any good sports fan I realized that this isn't the end. There is always another game. I just needed the supports to get there.
When I was in university, I attended an information session from the Manitoba Teacher's Society about the Educators Assistance Program. Essentially, it is a counselling/psychology service offered to teachers at no cost (besides our union dues). I didn't know where else to go. I hesitated and put it off for a while but something was not right with me and I needed to know what it was. So I picked up that dreaded phone, called and made an appointment. I scheduled it for right after a focus group session I was attending for mental health. I sat through that focus group all afternoon checking the clock, getting antsy, finding it difficult to breathe while I waited for 4:00 to roll around. At a mental health focus group.. you can't make this stuff up.. I went to my appointment, sat in the waiting room feeling like I was going to be sick. I met with one of the psychologists and we chatted for a bit about why I was there and what made me want to make an appointment. After a good conversation and getting to know each other, she asked if I would be willing to take a few screenings for depression and anxiety. So I did. As I said earlier, I registered as having severe depression and severe anxiety. Things were starting to make sense. She gave me some tips and suggestions/recommendations to get better and I took them. I spent the rest of that weekend informing my family and close friends and she suggested that it was important to build that network of support and understanding from those around me. I difficultly managed to let a colleague know as well so I had someone at work who knew what I was going through. She has been an absolute angel!! We had lunch together the day after she and I talked. Even that felt so much better.
Now, it is very important for me to let people know that it is not anyone's fault. It is not about what anyone has done or hasn't done, but the way I perceive and process the things that are going on around me. I have amazing friends and colleagues that I see and talk to everyday who make this a thousand times easier and for that I am eternally grateful!!
So, am I looking for attention? Hell yeah I am! If opening up and explaining my story helps just one more person to seek the help that they need then telling my story is well worth it. You don't have to be ashamed to get help. I was a person who was always trying to help everyone else before helping myself. One quote that always sticks with me is "You can't pour from an empty cup". You need to take care of yourself first before you can even try to take care of other people. It is okay to be selfish once in a while. It is okay to say no. It is okay to look at yourself and say "I need help". One of the things that I do to help myself is exercise. That's what this blog is about. Living a healthy life mentally and physically. So there it is. That's me. Warts and all. As cliche as it is, this is my journey. Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
To start off, no I do not think that just because I put "fit" in my blog name I am suddenly some fitness expert or guru. I never actually thought I'd be one of those people who puts "fit" beside her name in any context. It is honestly just a play on words. fitBritt. Like fitbit. Get it? While I do not by any means consider myself an expert, I feel that I am on a journey for a healthier life and to keep myself accountable, why not make it public? A very close and good friend of mine started his own blog recently and I expressed how I wanted to start my own a while back (I actually did but then didn't keep up with it) but if I did it now, it would be like I was copying him. He told me not to worry about it and just because I haven't made amazing progress like he has (150+ pound loss, wow!) doesn't mean that I don't have things to say. So here I am. Expressing myself whether people read it or not. I intend to journal my progress, my ups, my downs, recipes, tips, tricks, and just overall experiences. I already have a few ideas brewing in this scary thing of a brain of mine.
Back to why I did this. For what seems like a very long time now, I've been feeling very off and not feeling like myself. I am living in Winnipeg away from all of my close personal friends and family, with stresses of finding jobs (and now whether or not I will have one next year), financial concerns, and having self esteem issues. When we think of self esteem issues, we generally think of high school problems. Growing up in a time where our bodies are changing, we're discovering who we are and where we belong in the world. What people don't tell you is that those feelings can stay with you into adulthood. As I think about the things that bother me and see it written down, it seems so minor, unimportant and ridiculous. However, this is how I regularly feel about myself. One of the major struggles I've had to deal with is loneliness. I am not lonely in an "I don't have anyone" sense, because I do have people who care about me and I know that. I've lived in Winnipeg for about 5 years now and outside of my boyfriend, I don't have any close friends that I hang out with. That's where the good ol' internet came in handy. I had joined quite a few sports related groups on Facebook and met quite a few people on there. Those were the people I talked to the most. I met some very wonderful people who I do still consider great friends, and some not so great people who threatened my mental well being. I ended up realizing that this wasn't something that was good for me and I ended up leaving those groups to focus on myself but still kept in contact with some of those people who helped me along the way. I was in a very fragile state of "why don't they like me?", "they don't need or like me anymore", "what's wrong with me?". See what I mean? High school crap. It wasn't so much about what was happening at the time. It was more about how I saw myself as events unfolded. They don't like me anymore because I'm not worth liking. I'm not worth the effort to remain friends with. Through everything that happened, I was constantly being told that I'm just looking for attention. So I didn't do anything more about it. I talked to many friends who made me realize many things and I felt like I was getting better.
Anyway, that was one of my lowest points. Last August, when I was working at the zoo, things started to unravel again and I had a complete anxiety attack, I just didn't know it at the time. I broke down, couldn't breathe and was sent home from work. That was the moment I SHOULD have gone to get help. Being stubborn Brittany, I didn't.
Fast forward to now. Stress from work, applying for jobs, changes in personal relationships, family concerns and general small disappointments started catching up to me. For a while now I've been feeling very easily irritated and agitated. I very rarely enjoy doing anything besides sitting on my couch and watching TV, laying in bed, or completely checking out and scrolling through repetitive Facebook posts. I feel tired all the time even if I get a good sleep. I was feeling that nothing quite works out for me and that everything around me was falling apart. Little tiny things were bothering me. I had a breakdown because I didn't get to go to IKEA with family. Can you believe that?! A super minor disappointment set me off. Of course it wasn't just because I couldn't go to IKEA (I'm not 2), but everything else that was going on at the time too. I was looking forward to that trip and it was taken from me. That's when I knew I needed to do something. I was in a moment where I felt like I was in a one-on-one shootout with the game on the line. Every time I felt good, it seemed there was one more thing to bring me down whether internally or externally. Like a hockey team fighting to win the game, I felt like I was just hanging on, just long enough to get to the last possible chance of a win, then in an instant, it was over. I had lost. Like any good sports fan I realized that this isn't the end. There is always another game. I just needed the supports to get there.
When I was in university, I attended an information session from the Manitoba Teacher's Society about the Educators Assistance Program. Essentially, it is a counselling/psychology service offered to teachers at no cost (besides our union dues). I didn't know where else to go. I hesitated and put it off for a while but something was not right with me and I needed to know what it was. So I picked up that dreaded phone, called and made an appointment. I scheduled it for right after a focus group session I was attending for mental health. I sat through that focus group all afternoon checking the clock, getting antsy, finding it difficult to breathe while I waited for 4:00 to roll around. At a mental health focus group.. you can't make this stuff up.. I went to my appointment, sat in the waiting room feeling like I was going to be sick. I met with one of the psychologists and we chatted for a bit about why I was there and what made me want to make an appointment. After a good conversation and getting to know each other, she asked if I would be willing to take a few screenings for depression and anxiety. So I did. As I said earlier, I registered as having severe depression and severe anxiety. Things were starting to make sense. She gave me some tips and suggestions/recommendations to get better and I took them. I spent the rest of that weekend informing my family and close friends and she suggested that it was important to build that network of support and understanding from those around me. I difficultly managed to let a colleague know as well so I had someone at work who knew what I was going through. She has been an absolute angel!! We had lunch together the day after she and I talked. Even that felt so much better.
Now, it is very important for me to let people know that it is not anyone's fault. It is not about what anyone has done or hasn't done, but the way I perceive and process the things that are going on around me. I have amazing friends and colleagues that I see and talk to everyday who make this a thousand times easier and for that I am eternally grateful!!
So, am I looking for attention? Hell yeah I am! If opening up and explaining my story helps just one more person to seek the help that they need then telling my story is well worth it. You don't have to be ashamed to get help. I was a person who was always trying to help everyone else before helping myself. One quote that always sticks with me is "You can't pour from an empty cup". You need to take care of yourself first before you can even try to take care of other people. It is okay to be selfish once in a while. It is okay to say no. It is okay to look at yourself and say "I need help". One of the things that I do to help myself is exercise. That's what this blog is about. Living a healthy life mentally and physically. So there it is. That's me. Warts and all. As cliche as it is, this is my journey. Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
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